- We should embrace the magic of childhood and let kids be kids, but we also need to teach them how to work hard.
- We should play with our kids because they're small for such a short time, and not worry about the state of our house. But we need to have a warm, safe, and inviting home, which is difficult when we're letting it go so we can play.
- We need to put away the outside distractions and focus on our kids, but also take time to recharge and let them know that we're people and have lives outside of being moms.
Perhaps I haven't figured out the right balance between these things. Or maybe it's more about different seasons of life, a time to play and a time to work?
We've noticed a disturbing trend in our house. When we do something fun or special for the kids, instead of being thankful or enjoying it, they complain and demand more. And if we ask them to put something away or be helpful, they protest that we're mean and requiring too much. I know that other kids complain, but it's getting to the point that we have a hard time planning special activities because we know they'll be met with nothing but criticism and complaints.
I ask the kids to clean alongside me so they can learn to work and then I don't have to ignore them while I scrub away. Win-win, right? Except they think I should do all the cleaning while they play. And they didn't make the mess (even when they did), so why should they clean it up? Perhaps I'm the only one, but when the house devolves into chaos, I can't think clearly and it seems that the children can't either. We don't have love at home when we're crunching on spilled cereal and wearing dirty clothes.
I play with my kids a lot. I've also been trying to teach them to entertain themselves. I don't think I should constantly give them things to do. I want them to be self-directed, which is why I give them unstructured playtime. But I still want to be present. I've been trying to read while they play, thus staying in the same room, available to answer questions, but also not a barrier to whatever creative play might be brewing.
My goal in this is two-fold. I'm trying to teach them to use their brains and I'm trying to show them that I don't have to give them 100% of my attention 100% of the time. Sometimes I feel good about this. And sometimes I feel guilty. As the mom shouldn't I want to always play with them? Shouldn't I want to provide countless activities for their enjoyment? Shouldn't I want to spend every waking hour preparing enriching and stimulating fun for their growth and development?
The truth is, I'm tired. Maybe that's why I feel so conflicted over these topics. In a perfect world I would have an endless supply of energy and patience. Or, better yet, my children wouldn't require an endless supply of energy and patience. But they do. A trip to Walmart today left me near tears. I even had one of those giant three-child carts, so running off wasn't the issue this time. No, there were several other behaviors that left me feeling broken and helpless and wishing for the school year to begin.
So how do I teach them to value and enjoy work while encouraging them to be children? How do I let go of the chores while still having a house where the Holy Ghost and sanity want to dwell? How do I give my attention to my children while still retaining a bit of myself so I can continue to have a well from which to draw to care for them?
Am I the only one feeling torn? How do you manage the balance?
7 comments:
Some thirty years ago, Bruce Hafen gave a talk on conflicting but true principles. He said that we need to listen to the promptings of the Spirit in each instance to determine whether this time principle A takes priority or principle B does. It is not so much a balance, but perceiving in each case the divine application. This is not easy. We will often make mistakes. When people tell us what a good job in raising you children, I think (sometimes out loud) that Heavenly Father sent us good spirits, and somehow we managed not to ruin you. Fortunately, he did most of the work. He is still working.
D&C109:8,132:8. And maybe talk about the consequence no action, and how the way we keep our environment affects our ability to choose. And the golden rule.
When my first born was around 5 he got into an entitlement state of mind, when I gave him a treat he would complain that he wanted more. I quickly learned that he had to take some responsibility too. I now have a chore system in place, if you're interested I'll let you know more about it, but basically it teaches the kids that they have responsibilities to do, and only when those are done they get tickets towards privileges like TV, etc. And when they misbehave they lose a ticket. It is a very visual form of learning for my little ones. Also as part of it they have to learn to do "quiet time" where they have to quietly entertain themselves without me. Because of this structure it has brought peace to our home. The kids know what is expected of them, and that they don't get everything free, but they control the outcomes. I personally feel the spirit dwells more in our home, they are quicker to obey, and learn that consequences for actions come immediately. As they get older we will move away from such a visual program and more of an internal self guided form, but while little my kids really needed this. My kids now get themselves ready in the morning, vacuum the kitchen after meals, fold and put away laundry, etc. Some may say I'm taking away from their childhood, but they have learned to quickly get their chores done and truly enjoy their free time, which they still have LOTS of. Yes, there is balance in all things, and when you listen to the spirit it will guide you, but when you find a tool that can help, I say use it. :)
It's like you read my mind. . . . I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. Ansley doesn't like to be alone (which is fine) and doesn't like to not be entertained ALL DAY LONG. When I do play with her all day long, dinner doesn't get made, the house is a disaster, and I'm super stressed by the end of the day and often end up staying up super late for a few minutes of quiet time, even if it's doing dishes and laundry and scrubbing the floor. The other day we did a craft I knew she'd love (decorating canvas bags with painters tape and fabric markers) and later that afternoon she told me she hates me. I try to give her quality time (her love language) early in the day, during the day hopefully before a tantrum, and before bed but it's hard some days. Hang in there. You're a great mom!
You are a great mom!! Hang in there. I think we all struggle with this! Also, you just moved, so huge life changes can make kids act in less than desirable ways. My kids pretty much act the same way you are describing. I don't know what to do except to keep loving them and to remember that, as much as I want them to leave my home as perfect individuals, they are going to have to figure most things out on their own. Read Spiritual Lightening. It might help. :)
The thought that one of the reasons we are given imperfect earthly parents is so we can feel a greater need to develop a relationship with our Heavenly Father has given me a lot of comfort over the years. You are doing better than you think you are, always. Don't be too hard on yourself! We as moms try so hard to do things "right" so we won't have any regrets (at least, I do). But I don't think this is possible--I think we will always have regrets. You are a great, spiritual Mother and your children are lucky to have you, even when you feel on the edge of hoplessness.
Margot, you know I know exactly what you mean, and I have had all these questions myself. Your post did a beautiful job articulating challenges that I think so many of us experience but can't even find words to describe. I love all the advice given so far. One thing I can add is that we are trying (or I am trying) to add a few "catchphrases" to our daily life. One is "sometimes you get what you want; sometimes you don't." That comes from a children's book of the same title we found at the library. Great book. The other is, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset." I am using these as mantras to prevent myself from going into long speeches (which LG can never be patient enough to listen to). It takes some pressure off me in that way. Plus, after enough use I am hoping they will ingraine those two very important concepts into LG's head, to help prevent him from joining the Entitled Generation 100%. Anyway, I hope that helps!
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