Hard

Today has been hard. We thought he was perking up yesterday and last night, but then this morning his breathing got worse and his fever came back. He hasn't had energy to stand or play or laugh or even sit up. His oxygen level is great, an improvement from Sunday, but his respiratory rate is way too high and his heart rate has gotten high too.

The doctors said he could keep nursing, as long as it didn't interfere with his breathing treatments. After his long hard day, that decision was reversed. He now has a feeding tube in his nose. I'll pump instead of nursing him and they'll use that supply in the tube. Hearing that I wouldn't be able to nurse him was really hard. And then watching (or rather listening since my eyes were closed but I was in the same room) them insert the tube into his nose as he cried finally unlocked the flood of emotions I had so tightly kept inside.

This is hard.

And scary.

Before the feeding tube.