Reflections on Resolutions

My brain has been full of thoughts of resolutions. 2016 has been a particularly difficult year, not one that I would choose to repeat. Many of the circumstances of 2016 have been outside my control, but I have been mindful of what is in my power to do differently next year.

However, there are a few things that I would continue to do.

1. Learn. I was faced with the choice over and over to become bitter and hopeless, or to pull some sort of lesson out of the mess. Some lessons have been minor, others life-altering. I have learned so much this year. Bryan and I agree that we are not the same family that started this year: we are better, kinder, closer. We have learned so much this year.
2. Listen. This was my word for 2016. I wanted to listen to my children, listen to Bryan, listen to other loved ones, and listen to the Holy Ghost with more attention and focus. I have not always succeeded. Some days my brain felt split in too many pieces as I tried to listen to everyone at once. But occasionally I would realize that I was listening with my whole brain. Listening and learning go hand in hand.
3. Grow. This has been a year of growth. All that learning and listening had to lead somewhere. I finally feel like I've become a real, actual grown-up. I have grown in understanding and patience and ability. I have grown weary of pettiness and unkindness. I have grown even fonder of quiet moments and soft snuggles. I have grown in my awareness of my own inadequacies and shortcomings.

What will I change next year? I feel that my normal list of goals will be inadequate to help me meet 2017. So, here are a few things I want to work on.

1. Be present. Present is my word for 2017. I want to be in the moment more rather than appear to be paying attention while actually thinking about something else entirely. Wouldn't continuing to listen cover this? No, I can listen to what you're saying while still thinking about other things. But that just makes me feel stressed and fractured. I want by brain and my eyes and my ears and all of me to be in the same place at the same time.
2. Prepare. I feel like I'm always racing to finish one project or meal or chore, only to move right on to some other emergency that needs my attention RIGHT THIS SECOND! Part of this is simply the nature of having children; it is hard for them to distinguish between immediate and future wants and needs. But another part is my natural tendency to procrastinate everything I possibly can. The semester that Bryan and I got engaged I didn't procrastinate anything. I was totally ahead in all my homework and housework. It was magical. I'd like to recreate that magic. Yes, it does seem to contradict my first goal of being present, but I believe that if I plan and prepare more in advance, I will really give myself the brain space I need to be present. This means organizing my time and sleep more effectively, both of which have continuously eluded me.
3. Forgive. Forgiveness is a process, at least for me. I'll have a few good days where my heart feels free of hurt and sorrow, then I'll be punched in the gut with a remembrance of some of those hard things from 2016. By continuing to study and embrace the Atonement, and by repeatedly forgiving the small things, I hope to shed the last vestiges of pain and have a fully forgiving heart.

So long 2016. Welcome 2017.

Living In The Past

"I wish I was a baby when I was born." -Sophie, just because.

Treasure Hunters

Phoebe and Sophie have discovered the baby game. They crawl around, use whiny voices to speak gibberish, and act completely helpless. It is not my favorite activity. As they started to play it today, I did my best to redirect them. "Why don't you play something else?" And I gave several choices.

Nope, nothing was as good as babbling and rolling on the floor.

Then, in a moment of inspiration, I suggested that they could be treasure hunters. This caught their interest. "Is there a real treasure?!" Quick mom, think fast, do you have a treasure somewhere? I was pretty sure they would find something fun, or that I could go hide something quickly.

My brother Jordan, who is visiting us for a few days, surreptitiously pulled a small box of chocolate from his pocket and slipped it behind a couch cushion.

"Yes," I said, "there's a treasure."

Off they went, scurrying around the house, searching for their prize. They soon enticed Cooper to join their cause, but they weren't having any luck. Phoebe announced defeat several times, then plunged back into the fray. Finally, she asked for a clue.

I looked at the messy couch cushions and suggested that if she did a little tidying up she might find a treasure. A look of understanding passed over her face. Hands on hips, head cocked to one side, she turned to me to share her epiphany.

"Oh I get it, the treasure is a clean house."

Maybe I've talked too much about how wonderful a clean house is?

Peter finally found the chocolate, and there was much rejoicing.

On the Second Day of Christmas

Yesterday, in addition to enjoying a delicious melt-in-your-mouth roast dinner, Bryan and the kids worked together on the big family Christmas gift. They built a computer.

 
We're all happy to have a family computer in a central location. This should make homework much easier.

Tradition! Tradition!

Merry Second Day of Christmas! What was that? You didn't have a second day of Christmas at your house? Well, we did, kind of out of necessity. Our ward combined with the other ward that meets in the building for a special, short, one-hour meeting yesterday. And that meeting was at 11 AM.

We know that it takes us a long time to pull ourselves together for church, so we needed to make a plan. We asked the kids what they wanted to do on Sunday: Get up early and open gifts fast, then get all gussied up, go to church in time to find a seat, and be ready to sing with the choir? Just do stockings and maybe one present before church and save the rest for later? Wait until after church for everything and have a fancy breakfast instead?

Much to our surprise, they chose the last option. That means that we all slept in until nearly eight o'clock on Christmas morning, had a nice cinnamon roll breakfast, got dressed and were out the door and at church with enough time to sit near the front of the very full chapel, and only had a few complaints about waiting even longer to get to those packages under the tree.

As we were getting dressed, I realized that we had semi-accidentally coordinated our outfits. I say semi because the girls had new matching blue and silver dresses that of course they wanted to wear, I wore a red sweater and Bryan picked a red and blue tie, so I asked the boys to wear red and blue ties. Add on combed/brushed hair and suddenly we looked like we had planned our unintentionally patriotic holiday attire.

And that's why, after a nice Sacrament Meeting, we tortured ourselves by taking fancy family pictures in our library instead of getting to the business of Christmas. We finally finished (and got at least one very nice picture and several where Bryan has no head because he is a particularly tall human) and changed back into our Christmas Eve pajamas. By the way, I bought myself the warmest, most comfortable, most unflattering pjs ever. I reviewed some pictures from Christmas and wow, they look awful, but they feel so good.

Our family tradition on Christmas morning is that Bryan and I go downstairs (or out to whatever room is housing the tree), we make sure the stockings are still where we placed them the night before, then we turn on Christmas music. That music is the signal the kids, who are usually waiting at the top of the stairs (or in their rooms) recognize. It means "Come open presents!" Peter asked that we do the same thing this year, even though it wasn't the morning. So after we had changed our clothes and taken a few minutes to tidy and put away folded laundry (the laundry fairy must have taken the holiday off), the kids ran upstairs to wait.

I scurried around, gathering the stockings and placing them just so. Because we stick to our gift giving poem ("something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read") and only give four gifts each, I tried to make the stockings extra fun.

I got Bryan his own Sonic Screwdriver because, well, I thought it was cool.

The kids delighted in handing out gifts they had chosen for our family, and enjoyed opening their own presents. By the time we finished our slow, one-gift-at-a-time routine, it was late in the afternoon. We forgot to pull the roast out before church so it could come to room temperature, but when we realized our mistake, it was too late to have dinner ready on time. So, we decided not to stress and simply bumped Christmas dinner to today. That opened the rest of yesterday for calling family, sending holiday messages, and succumbing to the hypnotic click of new Christmas LEGO.

We enjoyed a delicious dinner of poached eggs and waffles, courtesy of Bryan's gift of a lovely new waffle iron to me. It was wonderful not to be anxious about the time and getting a fancy dinner on the table. Maybe Christmas dinner on December 26 should be a new family tradition?

Christmas Joy

I sat down to write my blog post three hours ago, after movie night and bedtime where complete. A few minutes after I turned on my computer, Bryan asked if I would help him with a project in the basement. I looked at my screen, debated for a moment, then shut my laptop and headed downstairs.

When he and I finished our task, rather than jumping right back on the computer, I decided to take a few minutes to head up to my room and wrap the final Christmas gift for our little family. While there, I finalized the last of the stocking items, then headed back to the main floor to deliver the package to its new home under the tree. While I was wrapping, Peter, who had been told that he was in charge of putting himself to bed during Christmas break, asked if I would play a game with him. Again, I contemplated for a moment, knowing that I still needed to write this post, then said yes.

Peter and I just finished playing Monopoly. It was a fun game, though we both ran out of steam before we got to the end. Instead of spending my evening writing, I spent it with my family, doing service and making happy memories.

I love Christmas. I love the lights and the songs and the decorations. I love the coziness and the baking. I love the time spent with my family. I love the invitation to focus on the birth and life of the Savior. This last week for my personal scripture reading I reviewed the records of Christ's birth found in the New Testament and the Book of Mormon. I have been mindful of Him as our family has participated in the Light the World campaign. I have prayed deeply to have a better understanding of the Atonement and to find peace in the midst of a terrible challenge I've been facing. All of these things have helped me feel joy and gratitude for Heavenly Father, who sent his son, and to that Son who was born and taught and led and died that we might return with our families to our Father again.

I have a testimony that we truly do have the opportunity to live as families for eternity. But would you want to spend forever with people you don't get along with? Or don't really know? Tonight I spent time with my family. I plan to do that for the entire next week. And that's how I can best honor the Savior at this special time of year, by cultivating some of the most important relationships I'll ever have.

Merry Christmas.

The (Sort Of) Tour

The kids and I spent time getting the house tidy after school today. Once they were all in bed, I looked around at the hung pictures and the Christmas decor and realized that this was the perfect opportunity to take pictures of at least a few rooms. Ready for a mini-tour?

This is what you see when you walk in through the front door. 

Here's a closer look at the mantel.

Next to the faux-fireplace is a short hallway. The first door leads to the basement, the second door goes to the laundry room (which is essentially a hallway to the garage), and the third is the bathroom door. There's a coat closet on the wall you can't see. On the other side of that wall you can glimpse the edge of the family room and the TV cabinet.

There's that hallway again, but this time you can see the coat closet. And there's more of the family room, including the Christmas tree and the homework desk in the far corner next to the sideboard. The playroom is visible on the right edge of the picture.

Here's the former dining room, current playroom. That wall of pictures took a slightly ridiculous amount of time, and it's still somewhat unbalanced. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to alter it.

Again, here's a closer look.

Now you can see that the playroom is right next to the front door.

And here's a glimpse of the library on the other side of the front door.

And now we're back to the fireplace, with a different glimpse of the library on the other side of the stairs. At the top of the stairs you can see the entrance to the girls' room (the dark open space) and the upstairs bathroom (where that sliver of light is shining from).

That concludes our tour for tonight!

The Fire Drill

Peter is finishing up his final requirements to earn his Webelos badge and his Arrow of Light award before he turns eleven. One of the elective adventures available is about film making. Tonight, between piano lessons and cub scouts, he made a stop motion movie about a family fire drill we had last week. He slowed it way down so you can make sense of what's going on.

Where's Cooper?

Cooper performed in his school's First Annual Third-Grade Christmas Musical today. He had a great time on-stage. Can you find him in the mass of elementary school students?

He spent all three of his numbers in the upstage right corner. I'm not sure if he put himself there or if the teacher was in charge of the placement. Whoever was responsible, it was kind of hard to see him. This is the best picture I got. Cooper is wearing a black hat and a blue and gray plaid scarf. Can you find him?

Afterward we hugged him and high-fived and told him how much we enjoyed his show. And that made Cooper beam.

Wish List

I found Cooper's Christmas list while I was cleaning out the van today. That kid dreams big.

Dance Dance Revolution

Peter discovered how to take slow motion movies using my phone. They're hilarious and weird and quite fun. I've turned on automatic upload for all the pictures taken with my phone, which means that minutes after the photo is snapped, they're backed-up online. My Google account will sometimes stitch the pictures together to create movies or slideshows or photo albums. Most recently, GIFs have started appearing. It didn't occur to me until now that I could share them here.

I present two GIFs pulled directly from a slow motion movie that Peter made one morning before school. Happy Friday!

Arctic Chill

It is currently 12 degrees outside. If you're thinking "Oh that's cold, but not too cold," let me give you additional information. It is 12 degrees, but, according to the weather app on my phone, it feels like it's -1 degree. The last time I ventured out of doors today it was still 20 degrees, and even then it was painful. I'm in my bed, under the covers, wearing thick socks and several layers of clothing, and I'm still cold.

I am very thankful for a roof over our heads. It's cold inside, but not nearly as cold as it is outside.

Tuck and Roll

A word of advice: if your two-year-old, who is adept at doing somersaults, invites you to do one as well, say no thank you. Otherwise there's a good chance that you're thirty-six-year-old body will realize it's not as agile as it once was and you may spend the rest of the day sans your full range of neck/shoulder/head motion.

And if you choose to do the somersault, at least remember to tuck your chin to your chest. Holding your grownup sized self with only your head and neck muscles will feel, well, it won't feel great.

That is all.

Dueling Performances

Cooper is preparing to preform with his fellow third-graders in their school's Holiday Concert. He's enjoying the experience so much that he's started writing scripts and choreographing dance numbers in his spare time. He takes after his mom in these areas. Phoebe is always game to participate.

Sophie wanted to "do ballet" for the movie. Oh, and she's begun in earnest the potty-training process, but you might be able to tell that from her song...

Bet You Didn't Know the Floor of Target Was This Comfortable

Don't worry, she wasn't down there for long. In related news, Sophie prefers the toy section to the clothing section. Who knew?

Edelweiss

As part of our nightly bedtime routine, each child picks a song for Bryan or I to sing or play. Phoebe likes to stick with Christmas favorites (regardless of what time of year it is) and rotates between Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Away In a Manger, and Silent Night. Cooper goes for a medley of Hush Little Baby and one verse (it's different each night) of I Am a Child of God. Sophie actually gets several songs because she asks for a playlist I've curated of classical music featured on Little Einsteins. Her favorites are Eine Kleine Nachtmusik by Mozart, Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, and Peer Gynt Suite No. 1 by Grieg. Peter almost always asks for Edelweiss from The Sound of Music.

I was nearly done singing Peter's song tonight when I registered a few of the words in a way I'd never heard them before. "Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow, bloom and grow forever." Now, the song is talking about a pretty little white flower and the patriarch of the Von Trapp family is wishing for its, and his homeland's, safety.

But suddenly I wasn't singing about a flower. I was singing about a boy born during winter, one that has been uprooted and replanted far too many times. A boy who is growing tall in body and mind and spirit.

I finished the song and I said, " Peter, my hope for you is the same as the singer's hope for the flower in the song. I hope that you bloom and grow forever." And then we talked for just a few minutes about what that means.

That insight was a tender mercy for this mom. And maybe for that not-so-little boy going through a hard time. He has the ability and capacity to bloom and grow and flourish, sometimes despite opposition, and sometimes because of it.

Hard Things

Why, hello there.

Did you miss me yesterday? Did you notice I was gone? I noticed, but the day was so full, I didn't have a chance to write anything until after midnight. I've run into this problem before, and I usually post something really quickly and backdate the publishing time. But last night I was just done. I feel like I've been running, burning the candle at both ends, juggling too much for too long, basically the whole time we've been in PA. And last night I was simply too tired.

Because, you see, it's been a difficult few weeks. Lots of very hard emotional stuff has been going on. I'm going to be obnoxious and not go into details, because not all of the details are mine to share. But at least one thing I can tell you is this: Peter is being bullied at school. A lot. He's been punched and kicked and pushed to the floor. Kids have called him stupid and other names on a regular basis. And on Tuesday one of Peter's classmates told Peter, "Everyone wishes you were dead."

So.

We've spent the last two days talking with and listening to Peter. We've notified the school and counseled with our parents. Bryan gave Peter a lovely blessing of comfort that reminded him of his natural gift for happiness. We spent several hours last night trying to figure out what to do.

And that is why I didn't blog. My heart and my mind were simply too tired.

Odd Duck

Bryan, knowing that I love to collect nativities, and understanding that my preferences lean toward the uncommon, found me a new set this year. He told me that it was very unusual and that the kids would love it. He was right. It even surpasses my quirky expectations.

Today, Sophie and I were playing with both our finger puppet and new rubber duck nativities. After I had everyone setup, Sophie added another character to the scene.

Can you tell you doesn't belong?

Shape Up

Sophie and I had a rather epic shopping trip today. I thought it would be a quick in and out after we dropped the kids off at school.

I was wrong.

We were in Walmart for four hours today. Four consecutive hours. In Walmart. With two birthdays and Christmas to prepare for, December is a rather costly month at our house. But good news! After today, most of the draining of our funds is complete and we're nearly ready for the upcoming events.

The following conversation took place as we parked in front of the store.

Sophie: That's a triangle.

Me: Do you see a triangle? Where?

Sophie: There. Those birds fly in a triangle. That's a shape.

She's right, that is a shape.

Artists-In-Training

My Grandma flew home today. Last night she and the kids had one more art lesson before our family artist returned to the land of sunshine and warmth. She taught them to paint a Halloween scene and a winter scene. When we painted pumpkins back at the beginning of her stay, we discovered that Sophie likes to paint her own picture, and also likes to add to everyone else's. This time she had her own table with a wide selection of finger paints. And, as far as I know, she only painted on one canvas that wasn't hers.

That's progress.

To Help Get You In the Holiday Spirit