Misheard

Sophie: Did you know that the colosseum was completed in 80 AD? 

Phoebe: 80 AD, not 8080 (eighty eighty) 

Sophie: 8080?

Topher: ADHD

The Giving Tree

A half-day of school equals mid-day conversations under a tree.

Thou Shalt Not

Just now I was sitting in our living room, folding laundry, when Topher came out of timeout. This is the conversation that followed.

Me: Topher, come talk to me.

Topher: I love you. There I talked to you.

Me: I love you too. That's not what we need to talk about.

Topher: I'm sorry.

Me: Sorry for what?

Topher: I'm sorry I said you said I could be on the iPad, even though you didn't.

Me: Which was a lie, you know that, right?

Topher: Yeah.

Me: And you know that lying's not okay, right?

Topher: Yeah.

Me: It's actually one of the ten commandments.

Topher: What?!

Me: Yep, thou shalt not lie.

Topher: (picking up three rolls of Bryan's socks) But they didn't say thou shalt not juggle!

And then he tried to juggle the socks.

I'm not sure that he got the message.

There Is a Season

"Mom, what would happen if we didn't have seasons?"

This is the question Topher asked me during the fifteen-minute drive between Sophie's school (early morning chorus) and his bus stop. I told him that the seasons would exist, even if we didn't have names for them. And that the seasons are opposite from ours in the southern hemisphere. And then we talked about time as a human construct, something that people put in place to make sense of the world around them. He asked good questions and was engaged throughout.

You know, a standard in-the-car conversation.

Shift in Purpose

Sophie: Mom! Can I have your phone to take a picture of the sunset? Quick! I need your phone!

Me (several hours later, discovering the pictures she actually took):

Finding Strength

I had the opportunity to speak in church yesterday. I knew I was going to be the second speaker, which is always an exciting game because you never know if the speaker will use all their time or part of their time or all of their time plus some of yours. I wrote my talk with that in mind, knowing in advance which sections would get cut.

A few minutes into the first talk, I figured out how it was going to go: she was going to end really early. I quickly looked up an additional quote to lengthen my talk. I also paced it a touch slower than I'd practiced it. I finished at just the right time.

I told my kids that I'd be mentioning all of them and I told Phoebe and Peter that I would be quoting them, but I didn't tell them which quotes I was using. Several members of the congregation told me afterward that it was fun watching my kids' faces while I spoke about them.

I think my favorite compliment came from Cooper. He said it was the best talk he'd heard me give, and that it made him cry. Cooper has pretty discerning tastes, so that was high praise.

Jesus Christ is the Strength of Parents

On June 17, 2010, I wrote the following on my blog, which functions as our family journal. Two things to remember: at the time Peter was four and Cooper was two and when I say timeout I mean sitting on a cushion in a corner of their room for a few minutes to give them a chance to cool down. Ready?

“We've had some trouble with bathroom words. Mostly in the I'm-saying-something-I-shouldn't-just-to-get-a-reaction-out-of-you kind of way. After toying with a handful of different consequences, Bryan and I feel like, at least for Peter, we've found something that works. (We're still trying to find something effective for Cooper.)

…After each timeout we talk with the boys about why they were there, about what action brought on the timeout. While Cooper ALWAYS knows why he was in timeout, sometimes Peter has a hard time remembering what it was that landed him in the corner.

This conversation took place yesterday afternoon.

Me: Peter, do you know why you were in timeout?

Peter: Yes.

Me: Why?

Peter: Because one of the 12 commandments says "Thou shalt watch your words."”

In his April 2023 General Conference talk “Jesus Christ is the Strength of Parents”, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke about the role that parents play in the lives of their children. He said, “Our Father in Heaven, our Divine Parent, surely rejoices when His children are taught and nurtured by their parents on earth. Parents, thank you for everything you’re doing to raise your children. And children, thank you for everything you’re doing to raise your parents, because as every parent knows, we often learn as much from our children about faith, hope, and charity as they learn from us!”

This has proven true in my not quite twenty years of experience as a parent. Some of that learning comes on good days from the insightful things they say, like the deep doctrinal questions Cooper asks and the gospel connections Peter makes. Some of it comes from watching their examples, like how naturally Topher shares and how sincerely Phoebe and Sophie support each other. And some of it comes on the hard days from the fervent prayers I’ve offered when I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and out of patience.

Elder Uchtdorf continued with words of encouragement: “My message to all parents is this: The Lord loves you. He is with you. He stands beside you. He is your strength in guiding your children to make righteous choices.”

But how?

Elder Uchtdorf taught that the Savior can magnify two specific parental attributes: our love for our children and our small and simple efforts.

Regarding the small and simple offerings we can give as parents, Elder Uchtdorf said, “Your efforts may seem small compared to the loud voices your children hear in the world. At times it may feel that you’re not accomplishing much. But remember that “by small means the Lord can bring about great things...” (T)he consistency of small and simple things, day after day, nourishes your children much better than an occasional flood… Every moment is a teaching moment. Every word and action can be a guide for making choices.”

About our love for our children, he said, “Sometimes we might wonder if someone else might be better qualified to guide and teach our children. But no matter how inadequate you may feel, you have something that uniquely qualifies you: your love for your child… Your love for your children creates a rich environment for teaching truth and building faith. Make your home a house of prayer, learning, and faith; a house of joyful experiences; a place of belonging; a house of God.”

I added that last quote right before I went to bed last night. I had about half my talk written, but the flow of inspiration stopped, which I took as my signal to close my computer and go to sleep. I woke up this morning ready to write the second half of my talk and saw the news that President Nelson had passed away. I decided to detour from my talk writing to read the article that he wrote for Time Magazine on the occasion of his recent 101st birthday. 

There he said, “Each of us has inherent worth and dignity. I believe we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father. But no matter your religion or spirituality, recognizing the underlying truth beneath this belief that we all deserve dignity is liberating—it brings emotional, mental, and spiritual equilibrium—and the more you embrace it, the more your anxiety and fear about the future will decrease. Life can be terrifying, and I have watched many—especially young people—struggle with anxiety about whether they belong or have value. But a heart that knows it is loved and remains focused on its purpose beats with steadiness, confidence, and hope no matter what is happening—or not happening—in life.”

As parents, we have not only the opportunity, but also the obligation to be the person that shows our children that we love them, that they are loved children of God. This looks different for each person, but I hope that it always includes the words “I love you” and that those words are supported by our actions. Please think of these next words that President Nelson taught, as quoted in the release from the church announcing his passing that was published late last night, in regards to how you engage with your children.

“Brothers and sisters, we can literally change the world — one person and one interaction at a time. How? By modeling how to manage honest differences of opinion with mutual respect and dignified dialogue,” President Nelson said. “If you are serious about helping to gather Israel and about building relationships that will last throughout the eternities, now is the time to lay aside bitterness. Now is the time to cease insisting that it is your way or no way. Now is the time to stop doing things that make others walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting you. Now is the time to bury your weapons of war. If your verbal arsenal is filled with insults and accusations, now is the time to put them away. You will arise as a spiritually strong man or woman of Christ.”

I’ve spent a lot of time in the last week and a half pondering about how Jesus is the strength of parents, and about how I personally draw on that strength. This has led me to study the life of the Savior. How would He respond if He were in my parenting shoes?

A few specific stories and scriptures from His life keep coming to my mind. 

One of my daily tasks is ensuring there is something to eat. Making food stretch and ends meet is something I’ve had to do as a parent. Jesus understands that. He fed people, even on the Sabbath. He was able to make so much food with so few supplies. 

I love using books and stories to teach my children. Jesus did that too. He often taught doctrine through parables.

How many times have I been awakened by children that needed something RIGHT NOW. Jesus experienced that. In chapter 8 of both Matthew and Luke Jesus and his disciples were traveling across the sea in a ship when a great storm came up. Jesus was asleep, but that didn’t stop His terrified followers from waking him up. And whatever residual weariness He felt didn’t keep Him from stopping the storm. 

I regularly, though not as often as I should, take a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth before I respond to yelling or screaming or whining children. My kids can attest that one of my most often repeated phrases is, “Who are you in charge of?” when they come to tattle on what a sibling has done. Jesus set the example for me to follow in these situations. In John chapter 8 we read the story of the woman taken in adultery. When her accusers brought her to Jesus they demanded immediate justice. What did He do? He paused. He drew on the ground with his finger. And then, instead of condemning her, He asked each of the scribes and Pharisees that were before Him to look at their own actions instead of hers. When they all left, “being convicted by their own conscience,” Jesus said he wouldn’t condemn her and told her to “sin no more.”

 I have wept over my children, for their joys and their pains and sometimes their choices. I have wept over my many parental shortcomings. Tears are often close to the surface, but it’s okay, because Jesus also wept. Elder Garrit W. Gong said in April 2025, “When we cry out in grief or joy, Jesus Christ understands perfectly. He can be present in the moments when we most need eternity’s great gifts: Jesus Christ’s Atonement, Resurrection, restoration.” He listed several times that Jesus wept. He cried in compassion when Mary and Martha mourned their lost brother Lazarus, then raised Lazarus back to life. He wept in sorrow that he was unable to “gather His people as a hen would her chicks.” And He wept with joy when He blessed the children of the surviving Nephites and Lamanites.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ see us for who we are and who we can become. Do we look at our children through that eternal lens? 

On July 15, 2020, I wrote this about Peter, who was fourteen at the time. “Here's something that I think is amazing: I can have a conversation with Peter and see his nearly 6'2" frame that almost outweighs me and hear his deep, close-to-adult sounding voice, while simultaneously seeing newborn Peter taking in the world around him, and fifteen-month-old Peter when he was sick and only wanted me to hold him, and three-year-old Peter who always had a silly joke to share, and five-year-old Peter who was continually creating scenes out of paper and crayons, and nine-year-old Peter who was so insecure and aware that he was different from the other kids at school and wanted to talk out those feelings with me long past bedtime. I can see him in all of these stages, remember experiencing them with him, and yet still be aware of this moment that we're in now. I wonder if that's how Heavenly Father sees us, our past and present and future added in, all rolled into one complete picture of who we are.”

Elder Uchtdorf spoke of the parental gift of personal revelation: “As you are prayerful and sensitive to the Spirit, He will warn you of hidden dangers. He will reveal your children’s gifts, their strengths, and their unspoken concerns. God will help you see your children as He sees them—beyond their outward appearance and into their hearts. With God’s help, you can learn to know your children in a pure and heavenly way.”

As parents and leaders of children and youth, it is our responsibility to live and love as the Savior did. We heard a stunning musical number today. These are the words of the song they played. 

1.

I feel my Savior’s love

In all the world around me.

His Spirit warms my soul

Through ev’rything I see.

2.

I feel my Savior’s love;

Its gentleness enfolds me,

And when I kneel to pray,

My heart is filled with peace.

3.

I feel my Savior’s love

And know that he will bless me.

I offer him my heart;

My shepherd he will be.

4.

I’ll share my Savior’s love

By serving others freely.

In serving I am blessed.

In giving I receive.

On February 2, 2015 I wrote the following entry on our family blog.

"Miss Phoebe gave her first talk in Primary yesterday. She was asked to speak about the Savior. Last week I asked for her thoughts about Jesus. "I love him," she said. Why? I asked. "Because he's kind and loving."

That sparked a conversation about being kind and loving in our family. I took the things we talked about and typed them up, added a story about Jesus, and printed it out… Here is Phoebe's talk.

I have a baby sister named Sophie. She is so cute and I love her a lot. I try hard to keep her safe. She’s little and doesn’t understand what is safe and what is not. I pick up little toys that she might try to put in her mouth and I watch to make sure she doesn’t crawl up our stairs. I want to be a good big sister because I love her.

We all have a big brother who loves us. He wants us to be safe and happy. He knows that we sometimes get hurt or make mistakes. Because he loves us so much, he made it possible for us to repent. That’s a fancy word that means to erase the mistake we’ve made.

Jesus is our older brother. Before he died, he went to a place called the Garden of Gethsemane and said a special prayer. During that prayer he felt all the pain that we’ve ever felt and all the pain that we’ll ever feel in our whole lives. He did that so we would never be alone when we’re hurt. He did that so we can repent and someday live with Heavenly Father again.

Jesus Christ is my Savior and I love him."

I add my testimony that these things are true. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us, they love our children, and they provide the strength and support required to be the parents and leaders our children need. And it is up to us to love as they do, so that our children can feel that love.

One more quote from Elder Uchtdorf, “My dear friends, my dear brothers and sisters, building faith in a child is somewhat like helping a flower grow. You cannot tug on the stem to make it taller. You cannot pry open the bud to get it to blossom sooner. And you cannot neglect the flower and expect it to grow or flourish spontaneously.

What you can and must do for the rising generation is provide rich, nourishing soil with access to flowing heavenly water. Remove weeds and anything that would block heavenly sunlight. Create the best possible conditions for growth. Patiently allow the rising generation to make inspired choices, and let God work His miracle. The result will be more beautiful and more stunning and more joyful than anything you could accomplish just by yourself.”

It won’t happen overnight, it might not even happen in a lifetime, but it will happen.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Figuratively, Not Literally (I Think)

We attended our old ward on Sunday (in addition to our current ward) to hear one of Peter's friends speak about his recently concluded mission. We stayed for the second hour and it just so happened that Topher's favorite primary teacher was subbing that day. She took him by the hand and walked him into the primary room, which helped calm the nervousness he was feeling.

At bedtime that night I asked how primary was. 

Topher: It was good, did you know that Sister D was a sub?

Me: Yes, I think Sister K is the regular teacher.

Topher: Oh yeah! She is. 

And then he told me why Sister K wasn't at church that day.

Topher: Her friend in North Carolina lost her mom and she went to help find her.

And as soon as my brain caught up to what he said I had to stifle a gasp. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant by lost, but since I haven't confirmed that, I have yet to correct his interpretation.

Overheard

Cooper: (to Phoebe) Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

Phoebe: I'm not going to shoot the messenger. I'm going to correct the messenger and then educate the messenger.

Know Your Weaknesses

Topher woke up and came into my room to snuggle this morning. He brought a book with him and asked me to read it. In it, Superman was facing Metallo and his kryptonite chest. I paused to explain the word kryptonite. I said that Superman was from another planet and only has powers because of our sun, that he didn't have powers on his own world. The kryptonite, I told him, was a piece of Superman's home planet and it took his powers away and made him weak. I told Topher that the word kryptonite is now part of our lexicon (yes, I also defined lexicon) and then I gave a few examples.

Me: You might say "TV is my kryptonite" or "Staying up late is my kryptonite" or (thinking of the book we just read) "Kryptonite is my kryptonite."

Topher: Tuna is my kryptonite.

Easy as 1, 2, 3

Topher: Mom, do you know what makes me so happy?

Me: What, buddy?

Topher: Math! I just love it so much! Can I get math stickers for my walls?

Me: What kind of stickers?

Topher: The kind that say 10x10=100 and 12x12=144.

Me: I'll see what I can find.

The More You Know

Sophie is feeling much better after a few days on antibiotics. She had an activity at the library yesterday, so I gathered my energy and took her, along with Phoebe and Topher. While Sophie planned fun activities for younger library patrons, Topher and Phoebe picked out books. When it was nearly time to go I hauled our three bags of reading materials to the desk to check out. Topher, who had already picked out his books, came around the corner from where he'd been sitting with Phoebe, loaded down with more books.

Me: Oh buddy, we already have a lot of books.

Topher: But I want these too.

Librarian: That's great!

Topher: I just really love reading. (pauses, then starts to head off for more books) And I want to be rich and knowledged.

Yes, I checked out the extra books.

When Am I?

Topher: (this morning, after waking up and coming in to snuggle) I'm going to have fun cereal because it's Saturday.

Me: Sorry bud, it's Thursday.

Topher: (real confusion on his face) But... it's Saturday.

Me: I know it's confusing because we had pizza and watched a movie last night and we usually do that on Friday, but we did it on Wednesday this week.

Topher: (confusion mingled with acceptance) Huh.

It's okay Topher, I haven't known what day it was for most of the week.

Similar, But Different

Topher: Mom, can we watch the apocalypse?

Me: (pause) Do you mean the Olympics?

Topher: Yeah.

Later that same day:

Topher: Mom, can we watch the eclipse?

Me: Olympics?

Topher: Yeah

Soporific

Topher: (while driving home from the library yesterday) Mom, sometimes I go deaf. And sometimes, I go blind.

Me: (glancing at Phoebe in the passenger seat only to discover she's just as confused by his statement as I am) Oh? Does this happen at specific times?

Topher: Yes.

Me: When?

Topher: I never hear the end of Moon Song or Mockingbird.

For context, those are his favorite bedtime songs. Based on what he said, I guess they're pretty effective.

Dr. Topher

We got a book from the library a few weeks ago called Stop and Smell the Cookies. It's about a little boy who has trouble controlling his impulses. By the end of the book he's learned to smell the pretend cookies, blow out imaginary candles, and count to one hundred by tens. By being mindful he's better able to control himself.

Topher has used this calming method a few times since we read the book. It's quite effective. In fact, this week Phoebe was upset about something and this is what I heard Topher say.

Topher: Phoebe, would you like to smell the cookies with me? (inhales) Now blow out the candles. (exhales) And count to one hundred. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, one hundred. There, do you feel better now?

Phoebe: A little, actually.

Close to His Heart

Topher: Take my picture!

Me: Are these your favorite things?

Topher: Yes!

Team Rivalry

There are two things you need to know to understand this story. The Eagles are the local (meaning Philadelphia, which is our closest big city) professional football team. The Iron Pigs are the local (meaning minor league and not as far away as Philadelphia) baseball team we saw play on Friday.

On Saturday Topher and I were buying a few items at Home Depot. He noticed that the cashier had an Eagles lanyard around her neck. That prompted this conversation.

Topher: Oh, are you an Eagles fan?

Cashier: Yes, are you?

Topher: No, I'm an Iron Pigs fan.

The cashier was very amused by this exchange but had the self control to just smile and ask Topher about his new favorite ball team. 

Charcuterie

I was so exhausted from our long week that I let myself take a nap on Sunday afternoon. When I went to sleep (Bryan napped at the same time), Topher was sitting at the end of our bed watching If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. When I woke up an hour later the TV was off and he was gone. I pulled myself out of bed and called down from the top of the stairs.

Me: Topher buddy? Where are you?

Topher: I'm down here!

Me: Okay, what are you doing?

Topher: I'm making a feast!

Me: Uh...

This was his feast. He was very excited about it.

He even added grapes and cheese later to go along with his pepperoni and Ritz crackers.

The Reasoning of a Three-Year-Old

When I was at my brother's house my niece Zariah was very concerned about my dry hands. That prompted this exchange.

Zariah: What happened to your hands?

Me: They're just dry.

Zariah: But what happened?

Me: Nothing, they're just dry.

Zariah: What happened to them?

Me: They're dry, they just need lotion.

Zariah: (looking at me very earnestly) Are you so, so old?

Yup. That's it.

If I Were a Zombie

Topher has developed an obsession/paralyzing fear of zombies. He talks about them every night at bedtime to the point that he can't fall asleep. I've been trying to reassure him that Zombies aren't real and that we have a safe house, but it hasn't really helped.

Tonight Bryan started the bedtime routine while I was taking care of a few things. He was snuggling with Topher when I came in to take a turn. Bryan said goodnight to Topher, then turned and said to me, "We solved the zombie problem. Topher said he will hit them with his basketball and I'm going to get a sword."

"That's great!" I responded. "I'm so glad you solved the problem. You're such a great team!"

Of course, a few minutes later Topher came up with a new concern, "But what if you're a grandma and you walk slow like a zombie?"