Watch Cooper's Face

America's Got What?

I usually avoid talent shows on TV. American Idol was taken off my must-see list years ago because it just made me sad. All those people that think they can sing, but really truly can't, hurt my soul. Well, last night I watched part of an episode of America's Got Talent. The acts ranged from the ridiculous (a guy who juggled running chainsaws) to the sad (a nurse who wanted to be able to sing, but her want exceeded her ability) to the inane (a toe dancer, seriously).

Who told these people that it would be a great idea to go on a nationally televised program and shimmy? Did they decide on their own? Did their supportive but artistically unaware pack of poodles bark their approval?

Then there was this guy:



Fast forward to 1:46, close your eyes, and imagine you're listening to a Broadway show. That's what I did.

Something Sweet

If you had to make dessert for 25 people, what would you make? Or if you were going to a family gathering, what kind of dessert would you like to eat?

Seriously, I need suggestions.

The Boy Who Cried Gretel

Are you familiar with The Last Minute Shuffle? It usually takes place shortly before home teachers, grandparents, and play-date participants come over. Much of The Shuffle revolves around moving the normal amounts of clutter from visible to non-visible rooms. Our non-visible room of choice is the office. After the removal of books and, well, more books, we wipe down counters, sweep floors, and make sure the bathroom is not frightening.

Shortly before our friends, Will and Gretel, came over on my birthday we were elbow deep in The Last Minute Shuffle. Bryan was manning the kitchen while the boys and I were prepping the front room for vacuuming. I had the vacuum in one hand and the Cooper in the other. I have a knack for not hearing the doorbell, so I stationed Peter at the front window to watch for our guests. I told him to look out the window and tell me if Will and Gretel were there, then I turned on the vacuum.

I had vacuumed for ten seconds when Peter called out "They're here! They're here!"

Really? I turned off the vacuum and looked. No one was there. I explained that I couldn't see anyone and could he please tell me when they were really here. Peter smiled at me and reassured me that of course he would only call when they were really here.

Repeat three times.

I finally finished my much-interrupted vacuuming duty as Peter announced their arrival yet again. I looked out the window and what did I see? Nothing.

Me: Peter, there's no one there.

Peter: Yes there is.

Me: Where?

Peter: (pointing to empty space outside our front door) Right there.

Me: Why can't I see them?

Peter: They're invisible.

Luckily they materialized shortly thereafter and we could all see them.

Maybe next time I'll give him a different job.

Gleeful

Have you seen this yet?

Disclaimer: It has a few uncomfortable moments, but it still speaks to my soul.

A Life of Ease

Someone recently commented that I was lucky I didn't work. Let's see, yesterday I:

• Read my scriptures
• Showered
• Changed, dressed, and fed the boys
• Prepared Bryan's lunch
• Finished loading dishwasher and started it
• Took the boys on a walk
• Convinced Peter to help me weed the garden
• Weeded the garden
• Nearly killed our most productive tomato plant
• Experienced guilt over near-death of tomato plant
• Washed mud off gardening tools
• Washed mud off Peter
• Transferred laundry to dryer
• Started folding laundry
• Put Cooper down for a nap
• Got Cooper forty minutes later
• Folded laundry
• Implored Peter to stop driving his suitcase up Spook Hill, aka laundry
• Folded laundry
• Talked soothingly to Cooper while he threw a tantrum
• Folded laundry
• Made lunch
• Served/ate lunch
• Read scriptures with the boys
• Emptied dishwasher
• Loaded dishwasher
• Cleaned aged food out of the fridge
• Cleaned kitchen
• Noticed ants on kitchen floor
• Moved furniture out of dining room
• Swept kitchen and dining room floors
• Applied ice to Cooper's forehead
• Clipped both boys' toenails
• Mopped kitchen and dining room floors
• Let Peter help mop
• Almost got hit in the face with a mop
• Moved furniture back
• Started another load of laundry
• Warmed up leftovers for dinner
• Negotiated Peter into eating his dinner
• Cleaned up dinner
• Got out hair cutting supplies
• Tried to set-up DVD on laptop to keep boys occupied so I could cut their hair
• Almost went crazy because of unresponsive DVD player
• Finally started a movie
• Cut Peter's hair
• Cut Cooper's hair
• Soothed an hysterical Cooper
• Bathed and dressed Cooper for bed
• Tried to convince Peter that he was done watching his movie so he could take a bath
• Carried a kicking and screaming Peter into the bathroom
• Continued to wrestle a flailing Peter while getting him into the bathtub
• Bathed a sobbing and angrily splashing Peter
• Dressed a suddenly calm Peter
• Calmed an again hysterical Cooper
• Called Bryan at work and said family prayers
• Read bedtime stories
• Sang bedtime songs
• Kissed two sleeping boys goodnight
• Transferred laundry
• Started another load of laundry
• Worked on church calling
• Folded laundry
• Comforted a crying Peter
• Comforted a crying Cooper
• Left the rest of the laundry for today
• Called it a night

I agree wholeheartedly that I'm lucky to stay at home, but my non-work is exhausting.

Those Three Litte Words

Me: I love you Peter.

Peter: I love you. What does that mean?

M: It means I love you.

P: But what does love mean?

M: (Pause to consider before answering) It means that whenever I think about you I get really, really happy inside.

P: (Smiles) Oh. Okay.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Saturday was my birthday. It was swell. I got to drive this beauty that had arrived the day before.

We went to the zoo as a family.

I had a delicious birthday lunch at Mimi's Cafe.

Our fabulous friends, Will & Gretel, came over for dinner and stayed to chat until after we all should have been asleep. I loved it.

Oh, and I let my driver's license expire.

I was mildly panicked that Utah would make me take the actual get-behind-the-wheel-and-try-not-to-break-too-many-laws driving test, but they were kind and said that it hadn't expired that long ago and I could just take the normal written test that everyone who relinquishes an out-of-state license needs to take. That's right, I finally gave up my California license. It was kind of painful. The worst part is that my last two driver's license pictures have been really good. The secret is to go in full make-up with your hair not in a ponytail. I prepped for this one too. My sister-in-law came over and watched the boys so I could go shower and get all gussied up. I was fancy. The picture is all right, but my lip twitched just as the camera flashed, so the smile is not my huge "I love having my picture taken" smile. It's more of a "Oh I guess you really have to take my picture so tell me when-" smile.

I'm glad the stroller came when it did, because it was the only thing I was allowed to drive for two days.

Monkey See...

I'm looking at a box of birthday candles. Underneath the boxed warning label is an additional admonishment: Extinguish candle before throwing away. Can you imagine the lawsuit that prompted that amendment? "Well Bud here couldn't blow out all 96 candles, and the cake was covered in so much spit anyway we just decided to chuck the whole thing, candles and all. Who knew that plastic trashcan would burn like that? Woowee!" (I hope two things: 1-that I did not offend you with that scenario, 2-that you read that with a heavy redneck accent. Thank you.)

Yesterday at our ward conference our Stake President spoke about fear, natural fear vs. adversarial fear. Natural fear can keep us safe while adversarial fear keeps us from doing important things like sharing our talents or learning an important and wise skill because we don't think we're good enough. After introducing his topic he told a series of stories about people that had done really stupid stuff and then died. Cooper was getting noisy so he and I left part way through and I have no idea how those stories worked into the rest of the lesson. But they were still interesting in an awful and shocking kind of way. The one that stuck with me was about a young man who heard about people jumping out of helicopters and skiing down mountains for fun. He wanted to try it too so he got some old skis and attached his sneakers to them using screws. He went up to a high mountain, jumped off the first cliff, and smacked into the second cliff. Our Stake President learned this story from his friend who worked in search and rescue who had to retrieve the young man's body from the mountain.

My question is this: how do I teach the boys to use common sense so that they will stay safe and not light themselves on fire or jump off a mountain in sneaker-skis?

Also, common sense, it would appear, is not so common.

The Very Talented Artist