Bittersweet

We've had a number of sleepless nights recently. Well, not entirely sleepless, but they're pretty darn close. None of our kids are sleeping well, which means the parents aren't either.

I've been trying to identify the culprit behind the lack of sleep. Here are the suspects:

• Our house is too hot for them to stay asleep. We keep the thermostat at 80 degrees in the summer, so maybe they're waking because they're uncomfortable.
• They're thirsty. We do live in Utah after all. It's crazy dry here.
• They really, really love us. The boys wake up most nights saying that they want to snuggle. We love to cuddle them too, so we're torn between walking them back to their own beds and scooping them up and tucking them in with us.
• We've taught them to be awful sleepers.

I have a sneaking suspicion it's a combination of all of the above.

Add to the sleeplessness during the middle of the night the fact that Phoebe has had trouble going to sleep on her own since we got back from vacation. Her naps have been short and at odd-hours due to various family stuff we have going on (more on that later) and when I do put her down for the night she prefers to stand and scream angrily at me rather than sleeping.

Last night I let her cry. Bryan was working late and I could only split my attention so many ways. I still tried to do her bedtime routine (which involves nursing her, then holding her while I sing to her) without distractions from her brothers. After I laid her down I went out and read to Peter (Cooper was the first one down for the night) while she cried.

I set my time-limit at an hour. With Phoebe if you go in to comfort her, but don't rescue her, well, then she gets REALLY angry. When the hour finished I could tell she was winding down, so I waited just a few more minutes. At an hour and six minutes she was asleep.

I remember feeling a sense of relief when the boys would finally go to sleep on their own at this age. Not so with our Miss. I went in to check on her and when I saw her slumbering in her bed I felt a huge pang of sadness. I wanted more than anything to scoop her up and snuggle her. This was surprising to me. I spend most of my time everyday holding Phoebe, why did I feel so guilty that I didn't hold her as she fell asleep?

As much as I think I need that time in the evening to put my house back together and work on other projects, I really enjoy the quiet time I often have when I nurse her and snuggle with her before bedtime.

Maybe the sadness came because while she might be ready to learn to sleep on her own, I'm not.