Peace and Healing

I spoke in church yesterday. I'd gotten the assignment a whole month ago and had been working on it steadily since then, but I was having trouble figuring out my approach. On Friday night I worked on it and felt like I had pieces of three different talks. Then on Saturday I tried to weave them together and it just wasn't working. The experience that the topic brought to my mind was so personal, I figured I shouldn't share it from the pulpit. My Dad encouraged me to try writing it anyway. I told him that if the talk came easily, then that probably meant it was the talk I was supposed to give.

It kind of wrote itself.

In less than two hours, I had the talk written. I did take a few sections from the first talk, which helped cut down on the writing time, but a lot of it was new material. And it really just flowed from my brain and out my fingertips to the keyboard. I was concerned about keeping my composure while I was delivering the talk, but it came together well. I did have some emotional tears, but not so many that I couldn't continue or be understood.

One other cool thing: I've now given two talks in this ward. I don't remember the last time we lived somewhere long enough to do that.

Peace and Healing Through Conversion

One night last November I was in my kitchen, getting ready to make dinner. I reached into a cupboard, onto a shelf I could feel but couldn’t see, for a measuring cup. Since I was using my hands instead of my eyes to search, I couldn’t see that the tip of my glass measuring cup had broken off. Instead, I discovered it by dragging the side of my hand against the jagged edge. It was a painful and bloody realization. I washed the wound and put pressure on it. I told the kids that we’d be eating cereal for dinner while I sat and held my hand above my head to stop the bleeding. When I looked at the cut later that night, I remember thinking, “Wow, that’s gonna leave a nasty scar.”

I experienced physical pain because of an injury. But not all pain is visible. Some wounds are mental, spiritual, and emotional. Some are accidental, like blindly running your hand across broken glass. Other pain is intentional, caused by our choices or the choices of others. No matter the cause, pain is a sign that something is not as it should be, that something is hurt, and that hurt requires healing.

In his 2004 General Conference talk, Elder Dale E. Miller quoted a discussion that he had had with Elder Neal A. Maxwell shortly before Elder Maxwell’s passing. Elder Maxwell said, “...Total peace and healing come only through full conversion of the soul.”

What is this conversion that brings peace and healing?

In a 1963 General Conference talk, President Marion G. Romney said, “It would appear that membership in the Church and conversion are not necessarily synonymous. Being converted, as we are here using the term, and having a testimony are not necessarily the same either. A testimony comes when the Holy Ghost gives the earnest seeker a witness of truth. A moving testimony vitalizes faith; that is, it induces repentance and obedience to the commandments. Conversion, on the other hand, is the fruit of, or the reward for, repentance and obedience”

In the Book of Mormon we read of Enos’ spiritual pain and conversion. Enos chapter 1 verses 2 through 6 say:

2 And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins. 3 Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. 4 And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. 5 And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. 6 And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

Enos’ pain, his guilt, was removed.

Alma the Younger is one of my favorite people from the Book of Mormon. I love to read of his transformation from someone who “went about with the sons of Mosiah, seeking to destroy the church of God,” as he says in Alma 36: 6, to a Prophet. When he was a young man, an angel appeared to him and his companions and told them to stop their destructive behavior. Alma tells us “And it came to pass that I fell to the earth; and it was for the space of three days and three nights that I could not open my mouth, neither had I the use of my limbs.”

He goes on to talk of the terrible emotional and spiritual anguish that he experienced at that time. Starting in verse 12 “I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins... yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments... yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.” Alma’s pain was a result of the wrong choices he had made. He felt guilt and remorse that he had hurt so many people. He was in such agony that even the thought of meeting God and answering for his choices caused “inexpressible horror.”

Almost two years ago, I had a truly terrible experience with someone that I was close to. The words and actions of the other person left me broken. I spent the next three months figuratively, and sometimes literally, curled into a ball. I prayed to have peace, I prayed to forgive, Bryan gave me blessings of comfort, but every time I thought of this person, I spiraled into a panic attack. It was pain such as I had never known. Just like the cut on my hand, I thought, “Wow, this is going to leave a nasty scar.”

While in his own wretched state, Alma recalled the teachings of his father Alma. In verse 17  “ ...I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.”

Alma recognized his sins, understood that they were wrong, felt remorse, then remembered what his Father taught about the coming of the Savior. At this point something amazing happens. Listen to see if you can catch it. In verse 18:

“18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

Alma remembers the Savior, then he reaches out and asks for help. No, he pleads for help. He cries within his heart. He continues in verse 19.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

Elder Miller broke down Alma’s conversion story into four vital components.

1. “...He had a vivid awareness and remorse for past sins that had offended God.
2. ...He remembered his father’s teachings—the promise of atonement for sin, through Jesus Christ.
3. ...He personally pleaded in supplication for his soul.
4. ...He experienced the miracle of the Atonement to the degree that he could neither remember the pains from his sins nor feel guilt. The healing of his soul was complete. It was a cleansing experience both to the mind and the heart. Joy replaced bitterness. He became a new man, born again of the Spirit.”

Indeed, Alma tells us in verses 20 and 21:

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! 21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”

In my own depth off sorrow, I did not know how to heal. I was counseled that I needed to use the gift of the Atonement. I knew the Atonement was real, I knew that it covered all pain, whether caused by our sins and wrong choices or by those of others. I had a testimony of it, but I could never quite figure out how to access it. One night I was talking to my parents on the phone, crying about how broken I was, how I couldn’t function because of this pain, how I didn’t know how to get rid of it. My wise mother advised me to pray and ask Heavenly Father to take the pain away. She said that the Atonement works, but we must ask.

Elder Miller quoted C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity: “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man [or woman] in the world”

Elder Miller then explained: “It is through this total conversion experience that we truly come to personally know and feel the character and greatness of God. It is the means whereby we become not only servants of the Lord but His friends as well.”

Remember that amazing thing that Alma did? He asked for mercy. He asked. He didn’t wait and expect repentance and forgiveness and healing and conversion to happen, he actively sought for it. And that’s what I needed to do. I needed to ask for that pain to be taken away. And so, because I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus know me and love me, I asked.

One final thought from Elder Miller, “Knowing God and becoming His friend comes with the conversion process. Enos found it... Alma found it. It is available to all who will repent and obey the commandments. This conversion is an intimate and intensely personal experience. It is about relationships.”

Conversion means to change, to transform, to go from being one thing to being something else. Conversion is not something that happens once and is done. It must be ongoing as we learn and grow and become as Heavenly Father wants us to become. I know that when I asked, my heart was changed. My pain was not completely removed, but it was lifted so I could bear it. The situation with this person is ongoing, it has not come to a conclusion, happy or otherwise. But I can think of this person and pray for them without fear and hurt filling my heart. I echo Alma’s words, “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! ...There can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”

The cut on my hand that I told you about at the beginning of my talk? I tried to find the scar, and I can’t, it’s healed too completely. I have faith that the unseen scars will someday be gone as well. Peace and healing do come through the Atonement of Christ, if we will ask. I say that in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.