Kind Like Katie

Today is the 3rd Annual Day of Kind Deeds. My friend Ali and her family established this day to honor her youngest sister after she passed away. I met Katie when she was visiting Ali. My kids felt like they were meeting a celebrity because we had watched Katie's episode of Random Acts. You can watch it using the QR Code below. The other QR code will take you to a video about Katie.

Consider this your invitation to do some kind deeds today, just like Katie.

Friday Night Fun

Our weekend was packed full. I think school today will be a break in comparison. It started on Friday with Peter attending Prom with his pal Jillian.

Then I took the three younger kids to the Fun Fest at the elementary school. Topher and Sophie jumped on bounce houses for an hour and a half while Phoebe (who I failed to take pictures of that night) played games and hung out with me and a few other friends. 

I had misunderstood the payment directions and only had enough cash for Topher and Sophie to participate in the activities. Phoebe was fine with just walking around with us. However, the person in charge of taking money and handing out activity wrist bands was her elementary school gifted teacher. When he saw she wouldn't be able to play any games he pulled out his own wallet and announced that he would pay for Phoebe. Phoebe and I both insisted that wasn't necessary, but he had such happy memories of being her teacher for three years that he paid anyway. It was very sweet and Phoebe is determined to find a way to pay that generosity forward.

Homemade Royalty

Topher came home on the first day of school and announced that he had a new best friend and her name was Madison. He's mentioned her a few times since. This morning I helped him finish making a crown for her. He designed and drew it, I just helped with the tape. He gave it to her at school and we got a an email and a picture from his teacher exclaiming that "Topher is so sweet!"

When asked why he made the crown he replied, "Because I love her."

That prompted my follow-up question, "You love her like a sister?"

He responded, "Yep."

Just checking.

Airing Our Clean Laundry

When we got our couch a year and a half ago we relocated the futon into the playroom with the intention of moving it down to the basement. Then we discovered that it's really nice to have somewhere to sit while in the playroom, so the futon is still there. And, because it's a short walk from the playroom to the laundry room, the futon has become the default dumping ground for clean piles of laundry. The piles generally don't stay there for long, but there are some weeks when the couch has more clothes days than not. And now that no one comes over to our house anymore, we don't have the added incentive of company seeing the inside of our home to clear the space quickly.

Recently I've had the goal of finishing the laundry so that the futon is clear on Sunday for church. We don't use the futon for church, but it is in the sightlines of the room where we gather. That means Thursday is now my day to wash everything so we have a little time to put it away. That involves sorting the laundry into piles and then having the kids (except for Topher) deal with their own pile, then I usually fold what remains.

After a day of running the washer and dryer, I was determined to sort everything last night after Topher went to sleep. He's a busy little guy and loves to help by indiscriminately adding clothes to whichever pile he chooses, so it's a job best done while he's not around. However, my energy has been running low the last few days and my brain has been a bit foggy, so I totally spaced on the sorting until I was on my way to bed. At that point it was so late that I decided I would just do it today instead.

With that exposition in place, you will understand my surprise when I came downstairs this morning and found the laundry divided into piles on the floor, and a large chunk of the clothes missing completely. I quickly discovered that our early riser Sophie had gotten up and sorted the clothes almost totally by herself. Peter helped a little after seminary when she wasn't sure where a few of the items belonged, but otherwise she did it. Then she and Peter carried their own piles, plus Cooper's and Phoebe's piles upstairs to their rooms, which is why there were fewer piles than expected.

I was genuinely surprised and thankful and told her so while I hugged her. Then I continued to thank her again throughout the day.

She had a really good day today, no meltdowns or tantrums or anything of that nature. When I asked her at bedtime why today had been so good she told me she thought it was because one kind deeds leads to another, and since she had started the day by doing something nice, it made the whole day better.

She is a wise girl.

One Day at a Time

Thank you to everyone who responded to my plea for help in knowing how to help my family deliberately practice kindness. We had a good family home evening last Tuesday night and I used some of the examples and ideas that you suggested. After discussing what our specific issues were, we decided to focus on one aspect of kindness at a time, so that our practice is more concentrated.

This week we practiced listening. We worked on listening to understand what the other person was saying, not just to respond or make our own point heard. None of us did it perfectly, but they would hear and adjust when I gave gentle reminders.

Yesterday was actually pretty calm. We made some changes to how we're doing school and that helped. But I think the biggest difference is that we've been exercising our listening skills. We didn't change our goal at Family Home Evening last night, so we have another week of listening practice ahead of us.

Practice What You Preach

I was listening to a book sometime last week (or the week before maybe?) and a phrase caught my attention.

"Practice kindness."

I've heard those two words stuck together before and my brain registered it to mean doing kind things for people. But this time a different meaning occurred to me.

When you want to improve at something, what do you do? You practice. My kids practice piano (sometimes) and math and reading. I spend time on this blog practicing my writing. And we know from research that deliberate practice yields much higher results than half-hearted, begrudging practice.

But how often to we deliberately practice being kind?

That's what I heard this time when the phrase "practice kindness" was said. The inspiration that came in that moment was strong. It said that my family needs to deliberately practice kindness. Because, unfortunately, we aren't doing so well at being kind right now.

I would love to blame the fighting and name-calling and critical words and judgement and hypocrisy and pride on being stuck inside a townhouse together for over five weeks. And maybe that's why it feels so overwhelming and concentrated right now. But the truth of it is that we've had these issues for a long time. Some of us have trained our brains to see the negative to the point that happy, good, uplifting things are not even acknowledged. We have practiced negativity and we're reaping the rewards.

Now, that doesn't mean that every moment is awful. But when a friend recently texted me how thankful she was for this extra time at home with her family because of how strong their relationships were becoming, I almost cried. That is not the experience we are having. Many days I feel like a broken record as I respond to the choices around me. "Please, just find a way to be kind, please."

That is why "practice kindness" struck such a chord with me.

I talked to Bryan about this on Saturday night, then introduced this idea to our kids at the end of our church lessons on Sunday and challenged them to think of ways that our family can practice kindness. I told them we would discuss it during Family Home Evening. Then, yesterday morning during our family scripture study we read Mosiah 4:13-15:

13 And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably, and to render to every man according to that which is his due.14 And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.15 But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.

I pointed out the importance of what we were reading for our situation. I was so excited to revisit those verses and make a plan last night for FHE to help us be kind. Then yesterday turned into an awful day. Really, really bad. I made the decision to postpone Family Home Evening by one day, to tonight. I could tell that we would not have receptive hearts and minds last night.

In spite of not having our official family council, I still asked the kids if they had thought of any concrete ideas to help us practice kindness. I was able to talk one on one with a few of them and hopefully keep their brains working on this topic.

What do you think? How do you practice kindness in your life? How do you teach and encourage your families to be kind, even when they're tired and stressed and would rather be mean? What council do you have for us as we make a plan to deliberately practice kindness?

Cool to be Kind

We've had several neighbors here in our development that relocated from Turkey. I try to introduce myself whenever a new family moves in and then I say hello when I see them outside. That's the relationship that I developed with the Turkish family that lived two doors down from us. I would say hello and smile, I would offer (and be politely refused) several rides home in the rain to their school-aged son, and that was about it.

A few weeks ago I noticed a moving van outside of their house. When I left to get the girls from the bus one of our neighbors was out. We had a brief chat and I learned they were moving to a house just a few minutes away. I said something about what lovely homes were in that area and wished them well.

On Sunday after church our doorbell rang. I opened the door to see this family, the father (with whom most of my interactions took place), the aforementioned son, an older son, and the rarely seen mother. They handed me a gift bag and said that they would miss us as neighbors.

I thanked them for the treat, a box of Turkish baklava, and again wished them well. Then I came inside and read the note. Here's what it said:

Dear neighbor,

Before moving to our new house, it was important to my family to let you know how much we enjoyed having you as neighbors for the last three years. If we were ever a burden, we sincerely apologize. Despite not always speaking the same language, we will always look back on our visits with you with a smile. We hope our new neighbors share your kindness and caring spirit. Please enjoy the Baklava from our home country of Turkey. We wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

Then they signed it and included their phone number.

I was shocked. All I had done was smile and say hello when we both happened to be outside. I had no idea those small gestures had such a big impact. Perhaps this is cultural. The other Turkish neighbors we've had have also been gracious and generous. But we suspect that maybe not everyone gave them such a friendly reception.

Kindness is important, even when we don't realize it.

Choose to be kind.

Lullaby

I need to pick the girls up from the bus stop at a certain time each afternoon. This time falls right when Topher used to nap. Because of this schedule, I've taught Topher to take one long nap each day rather than the two he used to take. On weekdays this works fine.

But Sundays are rough.

Why? Because that important long nap occupies the same chunk of time during our day as church. He used to get a short nap before we left, but not anymore. This means that by the time we head home after choir, he's exhausted and sometimes hysterical.

That was the case this past Sunday. He was SO TIRED. Neither Bryan nor I could calm him down as we drove. We tried speaking in soothing voices, playing classical music, reassuring him we would be home soon. None of it even slowed him down.

Then one of the kids started to sing I Am a Child of God. Soon all four big kids were singing to him. I joined in as well. We sang the entire way home.

And it worked. Topher calmed to the point that he dozed off just before we got to our house. A lovely peaceful feeling filled the van and the grins on their faces showed that all of the big kids knew they had done something special for their tired baby brother.

The Kindness Quiz

Cooper and Phoebe do not always get along. They spend so much time playing together, but they have developed ways of pushing each other's buttons. This happened a few weeks ago. Cooper made up a quiz about Phoebe that was not very flattering, which led to tears from her. After he saw what happened, rather than arguing that she was being over-sensitive (as he usually does), he was troubled. While I comforted Phoebe, Cooper disappeared.

A few minutes later, he came back with this:

It says:

The Phoebe Quizze

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! = amazing, beautiful, smart, creative, fast learning, world changing, weird in a good day, best sister ever!!!

Then there's a hidden message to solve. It was a clue to go find a sweet treat.

Phoebe recovered quickly when she saw the new quiz. They jumped back to playing and all was forgiven.

I was impressed with Cooper. He recognized that he'd been unkind and then done something to fix it. One of the things that I've been trying to teach my kids is to own their choices, good and bad, and not cover them up, to be honest in all they do. This is a hard thing to do, even for grownups. But they keep improving, and that's the goal.

Dress For the Job You Want

The Lucky Ones

I attended a parent/teacher conference for Phoebe this week. Her teacher had many glowing things to say about Phoebe. The only negative is that Phoebe is a talker (which isn't surprising), but her teacher said she admires Phoebe's wonderful communication skills. That's a good spin to put on it.

Phoebe is a friend to everyone. She helps whenever she gets the chance. This quality sets her apart so much that she received her school's version of the student of the month award in February. Each month is dedicated to a characteristic or two. In February students that were especially kind and caring were honored. Phoebe was also honored the year before in the Being Dedicated and Showing Best Effort in School category.

I also loved seeing an example of her writing on the wall outside her classroom. She listed all the reasons why she's lucky including a wonderful family, awesome parents who love her, and a spectacular teacher.

Phoebe, I'm pretty sure we're the lucky ones to have you in our family.

Heaven on Earth

On Saturday I finally made it to the Temple for the first time this year. It was wonderful. The Philadelphia Temple is so beautiful and the experience had many surprises that made my heart happy.

As I got into the elevator to go into the Temple from the parking garage, a man got in as well. He asked if I had a name to do. I said no, then he asked if I would do one for his family. I told him I'd love to. He handed me a card from a stack he had pulled out of his coat pocket. Knowing that I was helping a family made my time in the Temple more meaningful.

A couple from my ward was serving as Temple workers while I was there, which was especially comforting since I got a bit turned around and it helped to see a friendly face who also knew which direction I needed to go. And there was a couple in my session from the ward that shares our church building. They've sung in the choir the last two Christmases and we smiled and said hello.

When I go to the Temple I have a question that I'm prayerful about. This time I got two clear answers, both impressions that I've gotten before. The first is that I need to consistently get enough sleep. The second was that we have too much stuff and need to actively get rid of as much as we can. This has been on my mind for a few weeks, that if we had less stuff we would have more peace, more time to enjoy each other's company, fewer arguments about chores. The kids have been pushing back because, in Phoebe's words, they "love all the stuff!" But when I told them that the same answer came in the Temple, they all accepted it more readily. We'll see how it goes following that inspiration over the next few weeks.

My trip to the Temple was made possible by Bryan and the kids sacrificing their whole day. The Temple is an hour and a half each way, plus two hours at the Temple itself. That's too long away from Topher and too long to have Peter be in charge of the kids at home. So everyone came and sat in the waiting area and on the Temple grounds while I was inside. I had some pretty grumpy family members when I exited. But thankfully I was so renewed from my visit to the Temple that I had a lot more patience than usual.

I love the Temple.

About Face

Today I woke up feeling brave, so I took the kids to the local zoo. After seeing many of the animals and feeding a hungry giraffe, we found the playground. The kids got right to the business of playing. At one point, Sophie was at the top of the play structure, waiting to go down the "sloopy slide," her name for enclosed corkscrew slides. An older boy, maybe around Cooper's age, was in front of her.

Suddenly, he turned and looked at her. His face contorted into an expression of shock. "Oh my gosh!" he exclaimed. "What happened to your eye?"

Sophie hears this question asked on a regular basis, though it is generally directed to me about Sophie and is often asked by well-intentioned elderly people. This was the first time a kid had used this particular tone to speak about her face, to her face.

After pausing for a moment, she looked at him and said, "It's my birthmark."

Again from the boy, hushed this time, "Oh my gosh."

During the exchange I could feel an unpleasant tightening in my chest, a dropping in my stomach, a clenching of my jaw.

Then another girl, this one closer to Peter's age, walked up behind Sophie. She addressed Sophie, "What did he ask you?"

"About my birthmark." And Sophie pointed to her face as she turned toward the girl.

In complete sincerity the older girl responded, "Oh! I love it! It's so beautiful!"

The grimace that had rested on Sophie's face was quickly replaced by a wide smile and she was bouncing when she hopped off the bottom of the slide.

I looked up at the girl and said, "Thank you, for what you said about her birthmark. Thank you."

"I meant it! It's beautiful!"

Isn't it amazing how just a few sincere, kind words can change a situation? I am thankful for that sweet girl and her effect on my sweet girl.